Dirty Little Secret
by Wulfie005
Summary: Harley is mad at Joker because he cheated while she was at Ivy's. She decides to make a plan to get him back, will it backfire? UPDATED 11/5/11 HxH/HxJ
1. Chapter 1

_Alright, so this is my first batman fanfic. Ivy, Two-Face, Harley, and Joker hang out a lot. Harley doesn't really like Harvey much, actually she acts like she hates him in my world, so yeah if you don't think that then, too bad, so sad. _

_**Enjoy!**_

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"I just had a little fun while you were gone. You're overreacting." He said, grinning. I just glared at him. "Don't look at me like that, you were at that weed's house, it didn't mean anything."

"It meant something to me. I don't go off with random other men when you're not around, do I?" I retorted.

"No, but that's because you _belong to me_. If you went near someone else, then you know what would happen." He grinned again thinking he'd won, but he hadn't.

"I guess you're right." I said, slumping my shoulders in a defeated way. "I'm goin' back to Ivy's." I mumbled, dragging my bag across the room to the door. I turned to look at him, but he was already in his office planning to take down the bat.

**OOOOOOO**

I knocked on Red's door and she opened it quickly, she was surprised I wasn't bruised or hurt, or even all that sad.

"Harley? What are you doing here; you just left my place this morning."

I bounced past her into the apartment, "I know, but Mistah J cheated on me so's I came here to figure out a plan to get him back."

"I'm glad you're finally sticking up for yourself, Harl. But don't you think when he finds out he won't be smiling his 'beautiful smile'?"

"Well he's just gonna hafta deal with it, if he cheats on me, I cheat on him. He won't even see it coming." I beamed, "I was thinking of goin' for Faces, since they seem not to hate each other, they might even be friends." I thought about it, "Well as much friends as they can be."

"I thought you hated him?"

"Not anymore." I smirked and ran off to start planning.


	2. A Little Fun

_Thanks for the reviews guys! I still haven't got version two up yet, that one makes more sense, though. Here's the second chapter, enjoy!_

_**Harley POV**_

I knocked on Two-Faces door. ….. I knocked again. …… "HARVEY! GET YOUR ASS UP AND ANSWER THE DOOR!" The door open, and I saw Harvey standing there.

"Harley, why are you at my house…?"

"I just wanted to spend some time with you…" I said, trying to be seductive like Red.

"Are you sick Harley?" He asked, feeling my forehead. I laughed.

"No, I'm not sick, silly." I walked past him into his house, it was split down the middle, one side clean and neat, and the other side looked disgusting and stuff was all over the floor. I rolled my eyes, _Typical Faces.._

"So why are you here?" I turned and looked at him. I beckoned him forward, and he stepped towards me.

I stood on my toes and looked around, as if it was secret and people were around. I put my hands on his cheeks and kissed him. I pulled away and smirked, he stared at me like I was crazy.

"Okay, you're definitely sick." He said pulling me to the couch on the clean side of the hideout. He sat me down. I just laughed. "That or you want something."

"You're right."

"What do you want, then?"

"You."

"You're serious?" I nodded. "But you hate me."

I giggled, "Well things change…" I ran my hand down the burnt side of his face, inwardly shuddering.

"You want a drink? Food? I can make soup, I have some Ramen noodles. Or do you want wine? Beer? Soda?" He was babbling now, I kissed him again.

"Let's watch a movie." I said, smiling.

**OOOOOO**

My eyes fluttered open, _Where am I? Where's puddin'?_ Then I remembered where I was. I turned over and saw Harvey's face, one of his eyes was still open, but he was obviously asleep, because no one could fake snores like _that. _It was sorta creepy so I got out of the bed carefully and dressed myself. I decided I should make breakfast for the two, erm, three of us, so I went to his kitchen.

The fridge didn't have any eggs, so that was out, there was no bacon either. I looked in the pantry, and I saw it. "Pancake mix!" I squeaked, I grabbed the box of Hungry Jack and looked on the back. _"1 cup of mix, ¼ cup of water, and 1 egg" _ No eggs, so that'll hafta do without. I poured the mix into a bowl and got a cup. I filled it to the brim with water and poured it into the bowl. I dumped bunch of sugar and butter in for flavor and mixed it.

I put my hand on the stove to make sure it was hot, not one of my best ideas, and put a pan on it. I poured pancake mix on and waited for it to be ready. I hummed to myself as I waited, I guess I had got caught up in my humming and soon I was dancing. I smelled burning so I flipped the pancake. _So far so good. No fire, no explosions… _I went back to dancing.

Soon I had a pile of uneven burnt pancakes on the table. "HARVEEEEY! WAKE UUUPPPP! I MADE BREAKFAST!" Soon I was faced with a sleepy Two-Face. "Sit down and eat."

He grimaced at the food, "What is it?"

"Pancakes, duh!" I patted his head and sat down next to him with my food. I tried not to notice the bits of chewed up food coming out of his face. When I finished I put my plate on the clean side of the sink, the other side was full of dirty dishes. _Figures, maybe sometime I should break in and clean everything just for the laughs._ I looked back at him, he was glaring at the food.

"It ain't gonna disappear if ya stare at it. Eat." He took a bite. "Well I gotta go." I walked over to the door.

"See ya Harvey, see ya Two-Face." I called behind me as I left.

Step One. Check. Step two. Go back to Red's.

_Alright that was chapter one, I had writers block the whole time writing this, it will get better, I promise. ;D ~ Wulfie_


	3. He Found Out

**Sorry I haven't updated in forever, guys. Writers block… So yeah, chapter three! Enjoy!**

I was sitting on Red's couch watching some boring plant show she always has on.

"It's soooo boring when Red's not here." I mumbled, getting up. I walked to the kitchen, stumbling over plant vines. I looked through her cupboards for some food.

I was back on the couch, eating my cereal when I heard a splintering sound coming from the front door. I looked over, and the door was on the floor, and in the doorway was not a happy sight.

Mistah J was there, looking mad as hell. I stood up, trying to figure out what to do.

"Uh.. hiya, Mistah J… What're ya doin' here?" I squeaked. He didn't waste any time crossing the room. He grabbed me by a pigtail and slammed me against the wall.

"YOU LYING WHORE!" He screamed at me, punching me In the face. Now I really wished Red was here. He pulled me up and slapped me in the face. I tried to stay up, but with his blows it wasn't easy. I huddled against the wall, trying to look smaller as he yelled incoherent things. He kept kicking me, over and over. One kick got me right above the ear and I slid into unconsciousness.

My eyelids fluttered open. Everything was blurry, and everything hurt. I saw him standing over me, and remembered, trying to mutter something like "Sorry, puddin'.."

I received a slap in the face. I looked around, best as I could, I was at the hideout, on the floor, lying in a puddle of blood. My blood. Mistah J grabbed me roughly by my shirt and pulled me up. I was so dizzy and wobbled about before regaining my balance. He pulled me over to the grimy chair and sat me down.

"Tell me. _**Now." **_ He growled.

I tried my best to tell him what had happened, not asking how he had found out anything. He hit me a few times during the story, but at the end just said, "You **will not** do that again, understood?"

I nodded. He punched me a few times, then left the room to go to his 'office'.

The next few days I just took it easy, eating and drinking what I could, not moving much, not saying much. He just ignored me most of the time.

After I got better, things went back to normal. Until something happened that would change everything.

**So, yeah. End of chapter three. Leetle cliff hanger, huh? Haha. :D Sorry it's so short. I try..**


	4. Oh, Fudgenuggets

"This stick-thing has gotta be lying or something..." I mumbled, plucking the pregnancy test and squeezing my eyes shut, hoping that when I opened them, the plus sign would have turned into a negative. No such luck. I let out a huge breath, suddenly scared for my life. Who knew what Mistah J would do if he found out I was _pregnant_ of all things?

I had never thought it would end up like this...

After Mistah J had forgiven and things had gone back to normal, we went about our normal routine. Heists, Batman, try to kill Batman but not really, try to suggest a plan or mess things up,get kicked around, get kicked _out_, come wallowing back, rinse, repeat. Missing my period was not part of the equation.

At first, I thought I was just a few days late. Perfectly normal, right? Then I became a few weeks late. Maybe I already had it and forgot. Then a month. Only one explanation then, right? So I bought the box of stick-thingies and peed on it, hoping this would prove me wrong. Then I peed again. And again. The fucking plus sign wouldn't go away! So now, here I am, stuck with this baby. And that's not even the worst part! The worst part is... it's probably not even Mistah J's.

Remember when I slept with Harvey? Yeah, I sorta forgot about that wonderful invention called a motherfucking condom that night. I guess I was too absorbed in my plan on getting Mistah J jealous to remember important things like that. Sure, me and Mistah J had sex. Only thing is, we used a condom, most of the time. And we haven't not used one recently. I mean there was that one time last month when the condom broke, but, I don't really think that got me pregnant. I mean who knows, if it comes out with a big 'ol smile and green hair, then it's my puddin's. But if it comes out with brown hair and a love for everything involving the number two and duality, then it's Faces'. Let's just pray for the former.

I know I should tell Red, she's the only one I know who'll keep a clear head throughout this. She'll keep me and the baby safe. Or maybe, if Red can't keep me safe, I should turn myself in. Then I'd get a real doctor's care that could tell me how far along I was, and tell me if it were a boy or a girl. But if I did that, I wouldn't get to keep the little bugger... and I wanna keep 'im. More than you could know. So I'll tell Ivy. I'll find a way to get myself kicked out if I have to, to talk to her. Let's just hope Mistah J doesn't find out before she does...

_A/N: So, I finally updated! I found my groove in this story again. Once again, sorry it's so short, I'm not really one for writing long fics. ^^|| Thanks everyone who's stuck with me this far and actually read this chapter. Please review! ~ Wulfie_


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